“Quiet! Mommy needs a time-out!”

By: Anisha Hislop    

Rush here, rush there! Pick up the kids, do the laundry and dishes, make dinner, get home-work done, check through school bags, stumble upon a note to see the principal for child’s behavior, plan next day’s lunch and breakfast, send them off to bed, take a shower, balance budget, one is sick, give him medicines, they are scared of the dark and want to sleep in your “small bed”…, and the list goes on. Oh the life of a single-mother! I am pretty sure many can attest to that. Being a mother is hard work, but being a single mother is tougher, especially if you are one of those who pour everything into the children. Everything is always about them, but what about you?

The term “self-care” is well known among mental health and helping professionals. In order to help others, you must ensure that you “have to give.” You cannot fill a cup with water from an empty mug right? No way. As a counselor, I have come to realize how important self-care is, to be effective at what I do. I must ensure that “I” am ok first, before I serve others. I won’t be able to listen actively, pay attention to non-verbal cues, communicate effectively, think critically and problem solve so that the client can benefit from the process. The same is true for parenting. Let’s look at the single mother.

I have come to discover that there are increasing numbers of single parent homes within the Caribbean region, most headed by a female. With the increasing cost of living and limited financial and social support, mothers are forced to work longer and harder to support their families. Some even work two or three jobs. And in many cases, mothers leave themselves undone. What I have noticed, is that with the increased stress, parent-child relationships break down. Mummy is too tired to really listen to anyone’s problem or concerns. Mothers become irritable, and being the dominantly emotional creatures they are, irritability is greater and more intense negative feelings are experienced. This then leads to unhealthy behaviors such as shouting at children, leaving them unattended for long periods to take a break, physical abuse, emotional abuse and psychological abuse. Negative feelings are directed at the children, pushing them away. What mummy needs to do is to begin to take care of “herself,” yes, take care of “herself.”

Taking care of oneself goes deeper than just going to the salon. Mind you, cosmetic care does have its place. On a deeper level, single mothers, and those who feel “single” in their families, need to nurture themselves on an emotional level, to regain inner peace calming the spirit so they can go back to being the loving, nurturing and attentive mothers they wish to be. I do believe that all parents need to self-care, but from experience, single mothers are more vulnerable. How can I take care of myself when I have so much to do? You ask. Let me help by providing a few tips for emotional self-care

Take a time out.

This can be as little as 15 minute alone, just for you, during lunch at work or at home in the morning or evening. 15 minutes of quiet time. At home, explain to the children that mommy needs a few minutes alone to relax. Make sure they are ok and are engaged in a safe activity, then sit quietly in a comfortable position and calmly reflect on the day. As each task comes to mind release it and assure yourself that what you accomplished was enough, that the day is over and is now in the past. Keep

doing this until your mind itself is silenced. Those events that were pleasant, no matter how small, cherish them, focus on them and give thanks.

Talk it out.

If you have a close family or friend you can confide in, do so. Release that pressure valve. By doing so, you can now think and reason more clearly.

Think positively.

Train your mind to think positive thoughts. What you think about most, whether positive or negative, tends to manifest itself. This may mean having a mantra that keeps you going. It nurtures your spirit and keeps you in a state of balance.

By practicing these self-care tips, you will find yourself in a state of calmness - the state you need to be in so that you can be there and give energy and attention to your children. They will actually value you and the efforts you make to be healthy and effective as a mother. You also teach them to value themselves as well. You may possess the best parenting tools but you won’t be effective at using them if you’re not in a state of balance to do so. So take care of you!